In few weeks time I am going once again to become a mother. I am full of different types of feelings which are quite controversial: I am happy and looking forward to meet a new love of my life and at the same time I worried about how everything will go on; I have a good experience of motherhood and still I am afraid of whether I will be able to manage new challenges the second child will bring in my family life; I remember very well the day (rather the night) my son was born however I cannot recall certain details so i perceive the forthcoming changes as a new path to step on.
Before my first baby came to this world I was very often imagining the first time we meet each other. Reading and listening to the others talking about this moment i build up some inflated expectations which in reality proved to be completely different. Many say that they had loved their children from the very first minute they had seen them, in my case it was completely different. I just felt a certain relief that finally it was over and a huge curiosity to see what does that guy who kicked me all the time looked like.It was not a love as I used to feel or understand it. So my real argument at that point was: ” What was wrong with me?” Once I first breastfed him a huge share of responsibility has added to my feelings towards this tiny creature, but it was not a love yet. Before I thought I would not be able even to sleep and stop looking at him admiring my baby and trying to digest the idea that now I really had a child, I was a new mom. But it was not my case at all. I admit that once still being at the hospital when a doctor came to my room to check on the baby and found me quietly sitting on my bed and drinking coffee, he asked where my baby was as he did not see him in the cot next to the bed assigned to me I just nodded towards the end of the bed pointing on a pile of blankets and pillows my baby pacifically was sleeping in between. It was not a good beginning, i suppose as now i think i was some kind indifferent. Only during our second night together I really did not sleep but just listing for his breathing as it was not very equal. Once released from the hospital a nightmare had started as my son hardly slept loner than 30 minutes in a row, waking up very frequently and just crying, crying and crying. Every time I was waking up with a hope that it was just a bad dream and once woke up everything would come back as it was before. I never used to talk about it to anyone as I was ashamed of my own thoughts. Do not misunderstand me as I was taking a perfect care of my child and would do an impossible to ensure his well-being but loosing my Independence was a huge deal for me, I stopped belonging to myself and first it was killing me as well as the consistent thought that I was a bad mom.
I can not really say when a real love came into my heart. Now looking back at that time I believe It was just always there inside me, just at that moment it was not mature yet and started ripening while getting along with my son through our daily routine. There were moments when i needed to go out for some errands leaving my baby with my husband and first I was feeling happy to stay sometime alone, but a certain invisible power was pushing me to hurry up and to come back home quickly after. Deeply in my mind i was missing him so much so my happiness was flowing away turning into an anxiety to see him as soon as possible and be sure that he is doing well without me. So gradually i came finally to the point to realize that I would not be able to live without my son anymore. He was an inseparable part of me. Since then I have just committed to the understanding that I am a mother and that is forever. and i do not want to change anything and even if i could i would not do it.I love it being mom and I am gratefull to The God for giving me this blessing to feel it!
I am sure that was just my way of developing the best feelings between a mother and a child through different stages of love to come to its utmost – unconditional love. Thus my argument is not in its existence anymore and I know that this time I will be in love with my second baby as from the first sight.